Paris Diary

 

Less Ordinary Didi

Kadombini Devi, my great-grandmother, I know her well but never met her. Almost seven decades after her passing, especially when one of her favourite grandsons passed away,  I am attempting to bring out certain contrasting characters in that ordinary rural woman, which made her exclusive and worth documenting.

There are many instances in the history of the Indian subcontinent during the turn of the twentieth century when women overcame every possible challenge and made their presence felt in paintings to paediatrics, theatre to thermodynamics, Astronomy to Astrology. On the other hand, millions of women in the villages, mofussil towns, and cities lived within the walls of their households and traditions. Their lives were cocooned, restricted to doing household chores; when they reached puberty, they propagated to build their husband's lineage, and in the later stages, these women would live in one corner of the household, often neglected if they depended upon their distant relatives.

Even though my great-grandmother belonged to her era's later group, her resilience, tenacity, and kindness make her unique. She was born in a family where farming produce was their only source of livelihood.

Although she was the eldest child in her extended family, she hardly had time to grow up with her siblings. Her good looks caught the attention of her father-in-law, and soon, she became the bride of the Chaudhury family. This family was a local zamindar, making them land and cash-rich but educated. As a daughter-in-law of an undivided family, domestic responsibilities piled up on her at an early age. As she was turning into a young woman, her parents passed away, and now she played the guardians for her five younger siblings.

As the years passed, she became a mother-in-law, a cardinal role for a woman in a zamindari household. Often, this position used to bring out a feisty and fiery side of the senior lady of the household. However, as a mother-in-law, she was soft and polite towards her daughters-in-law.

She was engrossed in the ebb and flow of life, but the rhythm shattered with the passing away of her beloved husband. Her life changed irrevocably: her appearance, lifestyle, and social status. She willfully took up austerity by shaving off her head, wearing a five-yard white sari, strictly following a vegetarian diet, starving herself on certain days of the month, and keeping herself away from all the auspicious occasions. Apart from following the social norms, they often believed that these customs were to ward off the evil spell on the family.

In her way, she was guarding her family. Despite her best efforts, she lost her youngest daughter-in-law to Manengitis, and a few years later, her youngest son died of a heart stroke. Her son and daughter-in-law left behind a baby who was not even a year old, a couple of toddlers who were just a couple of years and three young children. In between, her eldest son-in-law died. She was now in her mid-fifties and shattered by the trail of untimely demises of her dearest one. She was resilient in a unique way; she stood up, took charge of the newly orphaned grandchildren, and became a mother and grandmother to care for them. She loved, spoiled,  and punished all her grandchildren, but these kids had a special corner in her heart.

She had a frail body with a brave heart, and along with her losses, she had to leave her homeland overnight, home, village and all her familiar habitat when the West Pakistani army started attacking minority communities in then-East Pakistan( Now Bangladesh). She had to start afresh in a new country after spending almost her entire life in her cherished home. In the new country, India, West Bengal, she again had to face the cruel death of her eldest daughter and granddaughter, and that was not all. The octogenarian had to face the death of her eldest son, too. She must have dealt with her bereavement in her way, yet she stood back for her grandchildren.

She had left a lasting impact on some of her grandchildren. They learn to accept new realities and become more adaptive to changes in their lives, even if they are less comfortable than before. They understood that screaming about their losses is used less; on the contrary, trying to put together the things left behind is meaningful.

Amid the season of sorrows, she had some glimpses of happiness when some of her granddaughters got married, and one of her grandsons excelled in his engineering studies and went to a far-off country- the USA; like a responsible guardian, she asked him to settle his younger sister. She knew her younger granddaughter's wedding would be difficult in her absence. This granddaughter made her proud as she earned her university degree in her lifetime. After she left for her heavenly abode, like a guardian angel, she blessed her younger granddaughter, got married coincidently and went to live in the country's capital. This granddaughter narrated about Didi's life since I was a small child.